


25

by danbaihe



Series: You're my Soulmate, which means we're in this until the very end. [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depressing, Depression, Growing Up, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, Romantic Soulmates, Social Anxiety, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:40:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24177541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danbaihe/pseuds/danbaihe
Summary: Changbin yells 'I love you.'Jisung yells it back.OrPeople are born with a tattoo of the age of their soulmate when they die, and how they die.  Changbin is born with his behind his left ear and absolutely hates it.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin
Series: You're my Soulmate, which means we're in this until the very end. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2006119
Comments: 6
Kudos: 132





	25

**Author's Note:**

> The song I used in the story is #mood by CIKI and a total bop you should check it out!
> 
> PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE read the tags before continuing, because while this is one of my less heavy works, it still is a trigger for some people and I want y'all to be okay lmao.
> 
> 3racha will never have peace as long as I'm still actively writing I'm sorry.

Changbin hated the world.

Some meant it simply in a joking way, and some only said such a thing to appear edgy and emo, but Changbin genuinely hated the world.

Imagine how his mother must’ve felt when she saw her baby boy born with a fresh new tattoo behind his ear that read:

25.

Suicide.

It wasn’t how Changbin was going to die, that’s not how these things worked, no. He wished it was him though, because his soulmate in comparison does not make it that much better of a tattoo.

So yes, Changbin hated the world. He always felt pity for those with the stories about how their soulmates died before they were even born, or whose soulmates die at a young age because of some sickness, some illness, but to Changbin? At least you’re dying at a point in your life where you have society supporting you because you’re still just a kid.

Imagine just barely living life only for it to end so shortly.

Imagine just barely being able to breathe for the first time, officially having been an adult for a few years but still young enough to be considered fresh out of childhood. Your brain has just fully developed- oh wait- that sucks- it doesn’t matter anyways because you’re dead.

If Changbin thought about it for longer, his anger and sadness would just spiral further into a depression because what would really affect his soulmate so much that the other would die over it? He wanted to help, but also was hopeless at trying to figure out who his soulmate was.

Chan, Changbin’s friend, was lucky. Chan’s soulmate doodled on him all the time, even from when he and Changbin were little and Chan had gotten in trouble for scribbling on himself with a sharpie. The two would hang out after school every day with Chan’s friend Felix from Australia, and those two were the only reason Changbin’s english was so good to this day.

They were around...maybe 12? Changbin can’t remember. They would go to one of their houses every day after school, but that particular day was a friday, and the boys liked a show that was on air at the time, and would go to Changbin’s house to watch it because he was the only one with a t.v. in his house. He remembers how he and Felix had been so curious and annoyed by whatever had Chan pulled away from the screen that was illuminating Changbin’s bedroom.

“Channie!” Changbin whined, throwing a pillow at his elder, who just grumbled in response.

“What’s the point of us coming to my house to watch a show if you won’t watch it with us?” He asked, clearly irritated. He must’ve sounded angry though, because Chan immediately looked to the other guiltily. “Sorry- it’s just the other day I got a message from this guy- well I think it’s a guy- they- he said his name is Minho and he was angry because his friend doesn’t call him hyung so- oh but he’s in my grade! So that means he would be a year above you guys too haha- oh but he doesn’t like new people unless they like cats-” Chan rambled, embarrassed and oblivious to how Changbin and Felix were looking at him with wide eyes.

“Your soulmate wrote to you?” They asked at the same time, clamoring over each other, trying to see. Chan stuck his arm out, embarrassed by his odd, slightly crooked writing and nodded. “Yeah look! He said Lee Minho. Cat lover. If you don’t like cats this was a bad idea. Do you like cats?” He read the message out loud that was in small neat handwriting on Chan’s left wrist. Felix marvelled at it while Changbin wrinkled his nose. “There’s no way it’s a guy hyung- his handwriting is too small and neat and his first thing to say was about cats-” He started, but Felix cut him off by reading out loud some of the messages between the two.

“Hi! I’m Chris, but you can call me Chan! Bang Chan actually! I like cats but I like dogs too! I hope that won’t be a problem?” Felix paused to laugh. “It’s not the best thing, but at least you like cats.” He read outloud with a snort.

“This guy has a one track mind, whoever Lee Minho is.” Changbin observed, and Felix laughed in response. Chan seemed a bit embarrassed. “He said he would fight anyone who didn’t like cats. I believe him.” He admitted and now it was Changbin’s turn to snort.

“That’s ridiculous hyung. He can’t fight everyone who doesn’t like cats.” Changbin said, rolling his eyes and turning back to the drama on the screen.

Changbin was in high school the next time the conversation of soulmates came up. By now, people were well aware of his tattoo, and always looked at him with pity when they saw that Chan’s tattoo said ‘86. Old Age.’, and Felix’s was ‘56. Hit and Run.’ Changbin knew why. It was because they were much more likely to meet their soulmates and connect with them properly. To live long lives with them before they died.

Changbin’s ‘25. Suicide.’ had quickly been covered with beanies and chokers and anything else that worked to properly cover it. He even grew a mullet (the hairstyle grew on him as well, he liked it), just to cover the tattoo that changed how people approached him.

The other thing that was much worse now was his affinity with his soulmate. While Chan’s had been physically linked, Changbin’s was completely emotion evoked, which was distracting at the worst moments. His soulmate probably had an anxiety disorder of some sort, as Changbin found out at 16, in the middle of a history lesson when he could suddenly hear a completely different teacher talking and saw a completely different classroom. According to other students he had fallen out of his desk because he couldn’t breathe and was thrashing on the floor for awhile, but he remembers none of it, because, if you asked him, he would’ve recounted how he ran out of the classroom and through the halls of a school that was completely unfamiliar to him only to end up breaking down and crying in front of the stairs.

Changbin soon realized it wasn’t him when there was an unfamiliar ring on his finger.

“Your soulmate and your affinity is quite a rare one. Has anything similar happened before?” Changbin had shook his head at the nurse’s question.

“Ah. Well, if any get as intense as that episode, come to the nurse office immediately and we’ll be required to send you home for the day okay? Because you can see through your soulmate’s eyes and ears, it could be problematic if you tried to move around too much or went somewhere." The nurse said. "I hope this gets better for you Changbin. I'm sorry your soulmate affinity is so overwhelming." The nurse said, and Changbin never wanted more than to leave the office in that moment.

That day, Chan and Felix ended up coming to his house after school to comfort him while he had a breakdown, and at some point, when he realized the scratches on his arms weren't his, he also realized his soulmate could feel everything he was going through in this moment. So he stopped.

He didn't just stop then, no. He just stopped. Not quite feeling, no. His friends would describe him as numb. His mom would say he fell into a depression. The thing was, he was fine. He got good grades, he went to the gym on weekends with Chan after the three would get food or go watch a movie, he would still go on music sites and spend hours buying and downloading music, and he would still produce whatever he could on his dying computer when he was bored. He hadn't quite shut down in all aspects, just the ones that would make his soulmate experience the panic attacks he would.

Chan described him as suddenly cold to their new friends Seungmin and Jeongin, and apologized ahead of time if Changbin seemed distant or rude. Seungmin said it didn't bother him and Jeongin just kept talking to Felix about their science project for that day. Changbin had his earphones in, at least two seats down from the others, shoving food in his mouth as he felt his heartbeat pick up and the room get suddenly louder. He tried to tune it out by turning up his music, but he ended up failing. Abruptly, he shot up with his lunch tray and threw out the remaining food, heading straight to the nurses office.

Maybe that day before he fell from the oncoming affinity episode, Chan had called out to him and chased him down. Maybe he even caught him before he fell to the floor. Changbin wouldn't know, because all he saw were the somewhat familiar streets of Seoul, and what looked like a bright red skateboard before he passed out from how suddenly exhausted he was.

"Fuck." Changbin had groaned as he let his upper body sag and fall onto his desk, arms surrounding his head. "Hey Chan. Wake me up in 20 minutes so I can finish this." He murmured, eyes already closed.

Chan's immediate reaction was to mock him. "Hey Chan. Hey Chan-ah, fuck hyung formalities, I need you to do something for me." He mimicked, a poor imitation of Changbin. Changbin, who simply groaned in response and buried himself further into his arms.

"Hey wait if you go to sleep let's at least go to the dorms first. Felix would be pissed at both of us if he saw us in class tomorrow." Chan said, pushing his rolly chair towards his friend and shaking him gently awake. "Please?" He asked, grabbing Changbin in one of the most aggressive hugs Changbin has ever felt. 

"Get off me! Fine! Fine! Let go of me-" Changbin half growled at his friend, half whined. Chan only gave in because the other started flailing aimlessly and he had to. Chan's gotten too strong if that's what Changbin has to resort to. He might need to start hitting the gym more.

They collect up their stuff and are heading out the door when Changbin is hit with a wave of dizziness.

"Changbin? Binnie? Are you-" Chan's muffled voice is soon drowned out by what Changbin can only describe as the most beautiful melody on earth. At first, it was just guitar, but then a slow beat was added to it, then some sampled sounds, and Changbin soon realized it was a recently composed song. Or track at least. Wait- holy shit. A voice. A very soft and untrained but good voice. And definitely Male. So it's a song. 

"I like it today. I wonder what happened yesterday?

Tell me all that upsets you.

The first love together, but always apart.

How about our relationship? In my broken heart? Sincere heart?

If nothing else, ask me in regards,

Even if it's not sincere,

I'll be there until the morning at least…"

Changbin had gotten so lost in the lyrics that he hadn't realized he was staring at the same producing program he used, but on a different computer. A completely different setup, actually. There were two small speakers next to the desktop monitor and a plain white keyboard next to an electronic keyboard, keys smaller than on a usual piano. The one small detail Changbin caught before his vision disappeared, was the name of the file at the top corner.

'Changbin.mp3'

"Changbin! Changbin wake up- Changbin? Holy fuck what the fuck-"

"He knows my name."

"What?"

"Hyung. He knows my name. He knows my name, he knows my name is Changbin he- he wrote a song-"

"What? Your soulmate? Your soulmate knows your name?" Chan asked, helping the man up off the ground. "You're crying." He commented, and Changbin only just realized that what the other said was indeed true. "Oh." He said, then smiled. "Oops." He murmured, tears still falling. 

"He knows my name, he knows I exist I-"

Changbin sobbed. He sobbed for the first time in a long time, and for the first time in a long time, from highschool to college, his cold and numb feeling had cracked. So many emotions washed over him and he he sobbed in the middle of his university's music production building. He was so thankful it was 2 in the morning, because if sobbing wasn't bad enough, he was with Chan, who was the most emotional mother fucker Changbin knew.

26\. He was 26 when he lost the potential love of his life.

His name was Han Jisung as it turned out. Changbin had dug through the internet for any possible snippets of the song he heard. For the first few months, he had found nothing, and his birthday had passed and he was 24. He was starting to feel bitter again. Losing the last bit of hope even. His soulmate appeared to be around his age, considering they had been in highschool at the same time and seemed to experience the same things from what Changbin could tell from the vivid affinity episodes he would have.

"You need to chill." Seungmin would tell him. "You're getting obsessed. It'll only make it that much worse when you can't find him. If it's too late too." He said. Changbin knew he was right. That didn't stop him from angrily leaving the friend gathering and slamming the door. He only had maybe two years left now? He wasn't even sure. 24 was giving him constant anxiety attacks. He had originally thought it was just his soulmate, but when he realized he was seeing his soulmate react to his anxiety, it bought on a whole new breakdown. His friends had become accustomed to him randomly turning off his phone and disappearing. Sometimes he went to the cafe on campus, sometimes he walked until his legs couldn't take it anymore and shut down. Chan wouldn't say anything as he and Minho would end up having to be the ones picking Changbin up.

It was two months before Changbin's 25th that he finally found it. On soundcloud. J.ONE had been the user to publish it. He listened and couldn't help but cry. It was the same exact audio. The same exact lyrics. Posted a little under two years ago. The same 'Changbin.mp3' as the song title, and Changbin couldn't help but sob in relief. 

He was hunched over his phone this way for hours as he listened to the song on repeat, the voice exactly as he remembered it. He knew his soulmate heard it too when he realized the odd calm feeling and the scratching at his wrist was not him, but in fact his soulmate.

He had searched the page for social media details, and when he found an Instagram and discord, he couldn't help but jump on both immediately, not hesitating to send the other a friend request. On discord, his user was 'HAN#7869.' Cute.

HAN  
Hey. Whose this?

SPEARB  
you're  
oh my god you're actually real  
I didnt imagine it  
oh my god 

HAN  
oh shit  
fuck  
uhm  
hi

SPEARB  
I was so fucking desperate oh my god  
I thought I was imagining my affinity episodes

HAN  
yeah,, uhm,, that tends to happen when you have one of the rarest affinities on the entire planet. 😎🤘

SPEARB  
stfu do you know how horrible this has been for me  
I love you  
well, I mean I don't know you  
But  
Holy shit my guy you have a panic attack every five seconds  
Wait I didnt mean for that to be rude sorry  
It's just??  
vv overwhelming h

HAN  
No I totally get that  
You're a mess too you know  
you just go from periods of feeling everything to nothing and it's so infuriating sometimes  
Like I love you bro  
Well I dont know you that well yet  
But I'm assuming I do  
But you just  
You're like shitty internet sometimes

SPEARB  
I hate how well that analogy works

HAN  
Haha.  
wait  
Are you crying?

SPEARB  
no

HAN  
bruh stfu I know these arent my tears

SPEARB  
stfu  
wait  
How did you know my name?

HAN  
?  
oh you mean the recording?  
one of your episodes a bunch of people were calling your name before you fell into a pool

Changbin has to pause texting the other as he thinks long and hard about it. Oh shit he remembers now. The pool party that Chan met Minho at after their graduation. Changbin had gotten so used to getting overwhelmed he ended up having a panic attack in place of his soulmate having one and he passed out into the pool. Fun times.

SPEARB  
holy shit I'm so sorry that must've been terrifying for you

HAN  
Water under the bridge  
Or  
Should I say water in the pool?

SPEARB  
nvm I take it back

HAN  
Haha lmao

SPEARB  
Well, can I at least get your name? Since you know mine?

HAN  
Seems only fair. My name is Jisung.

SPEARB  
Oh

HAN  
?? what ?  
is it bad do you not like it? I have kinda always liked Jaemin more but I dont know if I want to change it yet

SPEARB  
nonono  
No  
Sorry  
It's pretty  
It's a pretty name

HAN  
oh  
shit  
thanks

The beginning of a year and four months correspondence between the two began. They would text almost everyday, and Changbin and Jisung had often found themselves putting together puzzle pieces from fragments they had seen of each other during their affinity episodes. It was a nice feeling.

Speaking of the affinities, they played out completely differently now. Usually, Changbin would pass out or Jisung would do something stupid, but now instead, when one was so overwhelmed their affinity was triggered, at least they could comfort each other now. When they found out they could hear each other both ways during the affinities, it proved to be an effective tool to get the other to calm down. 

Other times, when one was overwhelmed with happiness, the two would be able to talk for awhile, sometimes even hours if they stretched it far enough. Changbin had never felt happier.

Even his friends had noticed.

"Hey why are you all happy all of a sudden?" Felix asked, shoveling some of Jeongin's food onto his own plate. "I've known you since we were like seven dude. You have never once been this happy. Or at least not all the time." He said, sitting down next to Changbin, who gave a small smile in reply. "I finally found him." He said.

"I can talk to him now." He continued, when felix had realized what he was talking about. "We talk all the time- fuck Felix, he even wrote a song about me." He said, and Felix smiled at the star struck look Changbin had on his face. 

"I'm so happy for you Changbin. Seriously, this is a big improvement." He said, chuckling. Changbin agreed.

Sadly,

all good things eventually come to an end.

It had been two weeks. Two weeks of nothing. Jisung was forcing himself to basically be emotionless just to prevent them from having an affinity episode. He hadn't responded to any of the other's texts or calls, and it killed Changbin to say he was worried, but he had just turned 26. Jisung was around a year younger than him, and while he wouldn't say his age, he was either 25 or 24, which was even more nerve wracking for Changbin.

Two weeks. Three days. That's when Changbin has a handsome stranger appear on his doorstep out of breath. It's not Jisung. Changbin can immediately tell from the clothes, the hair, and a lack of a silver ring on his right middle finger. 

"You- You're Changbin right? Seo Changbin? SPEARB#4202?" The handsome stranger asked, and Changbing nodded his head awkwardly. "Yeah- uh, how can I-"

"I'm Hyunjin. I'm Hwang Hyunjin. I don't know if you know me from any of Jisung's affinity episodes but I really need your help he sent me a goodbye message and apologized for a bunch of stuff he never did and said it was better if you kept your distance but-"

"Wait what? What?" Changbin asked, confused.

"Look- I have Jisung's address. But I can't- he won't listen to me. I had to break into his apartment to even track you down he might die." Hyunjin was in full tears now, sobbing and grabbing Changbin rather aggressively. Chan will not once be able to explain the look Changbin gave him before the three piled into a car and Chan broke about 12 different driving laws at Changbin's request. 

Or the apologetic and guilty look Hyunjin had written across his face when Changbin ran towards the apartment building, seeing a figure on the roof, looking out on the edge. Chan didn't realize until Changbin was already up there with the other.

"Oh."

Changbin didn't know what to expect as he reached the roof. The first thing was maybe he would be too late and Jisung's body would already be chunks of meat strewn across the sidewalk and-

"Don't move!"

He recognized it to be Jisung's voice. Changbin blinked rapidly as he tried to process the other's words.

"What?"

"I said don't move!" Jisung shouted, crying. Tears were running down his face as he shifted on the building edge. He looked so tired. He was always skinny and a little sickly looking, even for his tan complexion. But Jisung looked exhausted. Like it was a fashion statement his body wore for him. He was barely even standing up straight, and Changbin wouldn't be surprised if he was even skinnier from the last time Changbin had seen the other. (It was months ago. Their affinity had caused Changbin to catch Jisung when he was looking at himself in the mirror.)

"Why? Please. Tell me why." Changbin asked, voice sounding as broken as he felt.

Jisung looked to Changbin with a look that could only be described as apologetic.

"You're not supposed to be here." He murmured.

"I- I don't think you realize that I-"

"Whatever you know I'm sure I know more about it." Jisung cut him off. "I can't. I- talking to you was fun but I- you-" he started to sob more and Changbin was at a loss of what to do. He stayed rooted in place, a few feet too far from Jisung for him to even be remotely comfortable.

"Do you know what it's like to know your soulmate is going to die at 26?" He asked, and Changbin froze. 

"What?" He asked.

Jisung slowly lifted his shirt. Just enough for Changbin to see the words printed above his right hip bone. Changbin had to step forward a bit to read it, but soon the words came into focus for him.

"26.

Saving His Soulmate."

Oh.

Oh.

Fuck.

"I-"

"Don't. You're going to die saving me and I can't- I can't fucking do anything about it. Except this." Jisung said.

Changbin knew his eyes were read and puffy from crying. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out as he looked at the buildings behind Jisung and the gap underneath him.

"This isn't it. Jisung please. Please don't. I can't- this can't be how this happens." He begged. "At least yours had one more year. I can't lose you at 25. Jisung, please." He begged, tears falling freely now. Jisung looked to Changbin and he realized, laughing bitterly.

"This. This is- this is what your tattoo says doesn't it?" Jisung asked, and Changbin didn't respond. He was so close- he could just grab him. He could pull him off. He was so close-

"I'm sorry." Jisung said, and let himself fall backwards.

Changbin was had grabbed onto him at the last moment, but he didn't have a good grip on the roof railing, and suddenly, he was free falling with Jisung down a skyscraper like apartment building.

Changbin can't really focus on anything else except for the fact that he has Jisung pulled close to his chest and he can't believe this is the first and last time they'll hug.

Jisung can't focus on anything besides the elder wrapped around him protectively and the wind attacking them mercilessly as they fall in each other's arms.

Changbin yells 'I love you.'

Jisung yells it back.

Then, though short, their journey quickly ends at the bottom of the building.

COLLEGE STUDENT SOULMATES WITH RARE AFFINITY COMMITS SUICIDE TOGETHER IN DOWNTOWN SEOUL.


End file.
